You Know What?

Just Fuck The World!

I am so fed up with getting fucked up the ass by people, especially family and not getting so much as a thank you.

I live in a constant state of panic and anxiety. My oldest brother passed away May 4th, in my arms, from a heart attack. He was the only brother I had left and I depended on him heavily to help me with mom, who, as you may have forgotten, is 89 and has Vascular Dementia.

By depended heavily, I mean to sit with mom and let me use his car to go to doctor appointments and to the store. That’s all the life I had outside of home, and now I don’t have that, and it’s not as if he would ever volunteer to come up and sit with her so I could just get out for a while, try to get some of my sanity back.

I was with him for the last 20 years, he originally moved back here to take care of mom, but that didn’t last long and it, as usual, fell to me.

Am I mad at him? Yes, I am. For leaving me, for not having things taken care of before he passed away, for never confiding in me about anything. Cousins knew more about him than I did, hell, my sister in law from my other brother that died, knew a lot more than I did, and I was right here with him and she lives in Illinois.

So yet again it’s Fuck Tim time. I am so hurt and pissed off right now that I can barely stand myself. On top of all that, mom forgets every two or three minutes that he passed away and every time I have to remind her, it’s like she’s hearing it for the first time and I have to re-live those terrible minutes, watching my only brother have a heart attack, listening to him take his last breath, feeling his skin grow cold.

I’m at the very end of my rope and there’s no knot there to hang on to. I feel used and neglected, while everybody else seems to be making it just fine, getting what they want.

I was told the day he passed away that I was to be included in all the decisions concerning him, every aspect of it. As usual, that didn’t happen. The only decision I was included in was whether to put his ashes in an urn or a box.

I’m tired of being left out of life, so if I’m going to be left out I might as well not even have one, it’s doing no one any good anyway, unless of course they need something from me. I’m sick of always giving and never receiving.

“Look for the good things in life”, I’m told. “Feel blessed that I woke up and have another day.” This sure as hell don’t feel like a blessing to me. What do I have to look forward to? Not a fucking thing except more troubles and heartache.

Hell, I can’t even get a piece of ass. It’s been damn near 3 years since I’ve had sex, and I really like sex. I know you didn’t want to know that part, but I felt like sharing anyway.

I am so fucking frustrated and I have no outlet, no sounding board, no nothing except my medicine to help me make it through one more miserable day. On top of all that, it’s fucking raining today too. Not that I had any plans to go outside for anything.

I’m done. I hope this hasn’t turned you against me, but I had to let it out somewhere, not that it has done much good, nothing really does.