My Old Man

My Old Man:

I first heard this song by Zac Brown last week when Home Free covered it and released their video. I really don’t listen to the radio all that much anymore, or much music for that matter. When I was younger, music was everything, I was always playing it.

Anyway, that’s not what I want to talk about in this post.

I don’t know if I’m the only dad that ever feels this way or not, but sometimes I feel like I fall way short on being a good dad. I don’t feel like I did enough for my oldest and I don’t feel like I’m doing enough for my youngest.  I don’t mean materialistically either. I’ve never been the kind of parent to base parental love on material things. No, I mean in much more meaningful ways.

Sometimes I feel as if I holler(ed) at them way too much, or I don’t/didn’t give them enough of my attention. Was/is the advice I provide(ed) good enough to help them through life and to make good decisions? Am/was I a good role model for them?

I listen to that song and wonder, was/am I that dad? Do my boys think of me that way? Or do they have more bad memories than good when they think of me?

Where our house is small and my youngest has to sleep with me still, sometimes I will lay and watch him sleep and wonder what he’s dreaming about, especially if we’ve had an especially rough day or evening. I will watch his eyes dart back and forth in dreams and wish I could peek inside to see if he was having good dreams or was dreaming about an argument we had or of me telling him no for the hundredth time.

When I don’t hear from my oldest for a long time, I wonder if he thinks about me, or if he talks to his little boy, my grandson about me. Does he tell him about his younger years growing up with me or do I cross his mind much at all?

Ya see, for the better part of my oldest sons younger years,  I was a single parent and I’ve been a single parent for my youngest son since he was two and sometimes I can’t help but have these thoughts and wonders.

All I can do is hope that I did/am doing my best. I know for sure that I’m proud of my boys, I just hope that my boys are proud me too.

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