Warning!! You might not wanna read this, it’s all about me, again!
I have no idea which direction this post is gonna take. I haven’t even put a title to it yet. I usually try to be funny or at least not so serious but needless to say, I’m in a shitty mood today. The sun is shinin’ beautifully outside and as usual I am stuck indoors.
I sit here and think back on the fun times I’ve had in the past, like goin’ to the beach, to Gatlinburg/Pigeon Forge, to the pool, even when I had a pool of my own, which got taken in the divorce as well because I didn’t have anywhere to put it up. I don’t know where my life went but it sure as hell ain’t with me anymore.
I sit here and live my life vicariously through others, I see people livin’, havin’ fun, enjoyin’ themselves. I see pictures of people on vacation, or stories of people goin’ on vacation, doin’ things they really enjoy. I was told by a good friend that livin’ “vicariously is ok…less drama YOU actually get in!” That’s true to a point, I don’t like drama but I would like to have a life of my own, even just every now and then.
Meanwhile, I’m sittin’ here tryin’ to convince my mom that she actually doesn’t have another home that she lives in, that this house is in fact the only home she has. This is a discussion that has been goin’ on now for well over a week.
At this point I don’t even know if I wanna post this or not, I’m just typin’ my feelin’s out, tryin’ to find a balance today, which isn’t workin’ so far.
I sit here for a while then I get up and do somethin’ else. I’ve got laundry to wash, dry and fold, I have a 4 year old runnin’ around playin, bein’ his usual self and a mommy that’s rollin’ around in her wheelchair still demandin’ to go home.
I just saw a post on theChive about “Grab your poles, let’s go fishin'”. Actually it was just a post to glorify beautiful half nekkid girls fishin’ but it got me to thinkin’ about goin’ fishin’, which I can’t do neither. I’d love to just be sittin’ beside a lake or the river, pole in hand, lettin’ life go by at it’s own pace, nobody but me and the fish for miles around .. oh well.
I’ve got breakfast for mom and the boy, washed all the dishes (there weren’t that many), took a load of laundry out of the dryer, put another load in and folded the load I took out. I’ve picked up and straightened the house. I’ve perused Facebook and WordPress to death so far and I am periodically writin’ this post.
I have to go to the grocery store after while if my brother feels well enough to come sit with mommy while I’m gone. I also have to use his car to do so.
Which brings up somethin’ else to the forefront of my brain. I practically lost everything in my divorce. Yes, I’m still bitter about that and the way it happened and for the reasons it happened. I didn’t lose everything all at once mind you, it was a gradual loss over the course of two years so far. I still don’t feel like it’s over and may never feel so. Is this childish of me? I dunno, maybe. Why can’t things happen in my life in my favor for once?
It seems like everything and everyone is conspiring against me, for the sole purpose to bring me down further. To be honest, I’m not sure how much lower I can get right now. I don’t see an upside anytime in my near or distant future.
I’ve got to mow the yard today, it’s way to high as it is and we’re supposed to get more rain soon. Have I mentioned that I hate to mow? Especially here where I’m livin’ now because it ain’t nothin’ but one never endin’ hill, well, except for where the parkin’ place is, that’s fairly flat. but that’s the only place. On top of that, it’s hot out there and I’m a fat hillbilly, well, not really hugely fat, just overweight, more so than I need to be and part of that is because I sit in front of this computer all the time.
Keep in mind that the preceding post was done over a 3 day period of time. Those 3 days were prolly my worst in a long time and I really debated about postin’ this, but I kinda wanted ya’ll to have a glimpse of how my mind works sometimes. I’m not always like this but even us hillbillies have a bad days.
Thanks for readin’.