The Post I Wasn’t Gonna Post

Warning!! You might not wanna read this, it’s all about me, again!

I have no idea which direction this post is gonna take. I haven’t even put a title to it yet. I usually try to be funny or at least not so serious but needless to say, I’m in a shitty mood today. The sun is shinin’ beautifully outside and as usual I am stuck indoors.

I sit here and think back on the fun times I’ve had in the past, like goin’ to the beach, to Gatlinburg/Pigeon Forge, to the pool, even when I had a pool of my own, which got taken in the divorce as well because I didn’t have anywhere to put it up. I don’t know where my life went but it sure as hell ain’t with me anymore.

I sit here and live my life vicariously through others, I see people livin’, havin’ fun, enjoyin’ themselves. I see pictures of people on vacation, or stories of people goin’ on vacation, doin’ things they really enjoy. I was told by a good friend that livin’ “vicariously is ok…less drama YOU actually get in!” That’s true to a point, I don’t like drama but I would like to have a life of my own, even just every now and then.

Meanwhile, I’m sittin’ here tryin’ to convince my mom that she actually doesn’t have another home that she lives in, that this house is in fact the only home she has. This is a discussion that has been goin’ on now for well over a week.

At this point I don’t even know if I wanna post this or not, I’m just typin’ my feelin’s out, tryin’ to find a balance today, which isn’t workin’ so far.

I sit here for a while then I get up and do somethin’ else. I’ve got laundry to wash, dry and fold, I have a 4 year old runnin’ around playin, bein’ his usual self and a mommy that’s rollin’ around in her wheelchair still demandin’ to go home.

I just saw a post on theChive about “Grab your poles, let’s go fishin'”. Actually it was just a post to glorify beautiful half nekkid girls fishin’ but it got me to thinkin’ about goin’ fishin’, which I can’t do neither. I’d love to just be sittin’ beside a lake or the river, pole in hand, lettin’ life go by at it’s own pace, nobody but me and the fish for miles around .. oh well.

I’ve got breakfast for mom and the boy, washed all the dishes (there weren’t that many), took a load of laundry out of the dryer, put another load in and folded the load I took out. I’ve picked up and straightened the house. I’ve perused Facebook and WordPress to death so far and I am periodically writin’ this post.

I have to go to the grocery store after while if my brother feels well enough to come sit with ย mommy while I’m gone. I also have to use his car to do so.

Which brings up somethin’ else to the forefront of my brain. I practically lost everything in my divorce. Yes, I’m still bitter about that and the way it happened and for the reasons it happened. I didn’t lose everything all at once mind you, it was a gradual loss over the course of two years so far. I still don’t feel like it’s over and may never feel so. Is this childish of me? I dunno, maybe. Why can’t things happen in my life in my favor for once?

It seems like everything and everyone is conspiring ย against me, for the sole purpose to bring me down further. To be honest, I’m not sure how much lower I can get right now. I don’t see an upside anytime in my near or distant future.

I’ve got to mow the yard today, it’s way to high as it is and we’re supposed to get more rain soon. Have I mentioned that I hate to mow? Especially here where I’m livin’ now because it ain’t nothin’ but one never endin’ hill, well, except for where the parkin’ place is, that’s fairly flat. but that’s the only place. On top of that, it’s ย hot out there and I’m a fat hillbilly, well, not really hugely fat, just overweight, more so than I need to be and part of that is because I sit in front of this computer all the time.


Keep in mind that the preceding post was done over a 3 day period of time. Those 3 days were prolly my worst in a long time and I really debated about postin’ this, but I kinda wanted ya’ll to have a glimpse of how my mind works sometimes. I’m not always like this but even us hillbillies have a bad days.

Thanks for readin’.

Tim

 

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20 thoughts on “The Post I Wasn’t Gonna Post

  1. NotAPunkRocker

    Ok empathy like on this post, so you know.

    What’s that saying, what you see online and compare yourself to is someone else’s highlight reel? I get that, but even if there behind the scenes suck, at least they had a vacation.

    I get the burnout though, for sure. I would ask if your county has any senior services to help you out with respite care, but I am sure I know the answer. :-\

    Hopefully writing this out helped you some, even just to process the unfairness of it all outside of your head. Hang in there and reach out if you need anything ((hugs))

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    1. Tim Taylor Post author

      Thank you so much. As far as respite care, it;s such a headache to get any help at all that I’d just rather not even fool with it and thank you for your kind offering ๐Ÿ˜€

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  2. The Indecisive Eejit

    Do you feel better? Sometimes you just have to type it out, even if it is just to stop it from bumbling around in your head. You know, that I know where you are coming from in a lot of this post. It’s hard when you see people doing this and that, and you’re thinking I have to cook and clean. People will offer to help, and they will think us ungracious when we turn it down, but they don’t really understand that sometimes it’s just easier to do it yourself.
    I’d like to write more on my blog about these kind of things, but some of my close family are readers so it makes me feel uncomfortable. I’ve toyed with the idea of starting another blog and calling it Thoughts from the Darkside lol

    Huge hugs xx

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    1. Tim Taylor Post author

      Thanks Jules! Gettin’ it out there helped, like you said, it was buildin’ up inside my head. Like I said, i’m not normally like that but sometimes, as you well know, it just gets to be too much, And Thoughts from the Darkside sounds very interrestin; lol You should really do it!

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  3. disappearingwoman

    It sounds like you have quite a bit on you as a caregiver, and it’s not unreasonable for you to feel crappy from time to time. Do you have anyone at all who can relieve you, even once a week for a few hours, so that you can have a little time to yourself? When my youngest was ill, I spent over two years pretty much in my house, with rarely any fun at all. It can really weigh heavily on you. Writing about your feelings can be really helpful and therapeutic. WordPress is a great way to connect with really nice people. Don’t be afraid to ask those in your life for help now and again. ๐Ÿ™‚ Have a good evening!

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    1. Tim Taylor Post author

      Thanks!! Really the only person is my brother and he pretty much stays busy so it’s hard for him to help out much and you’re right, WordPress is a really great place to not only let off some steam through writin’ but allows you to connect with some awesome folks ๐Ÿ˜€

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  4. mommyx4boys

    I know exactly what you mean, the past week for me has been almost unbearable, for one thing we did not get the house we wanted, which sucks. And also I have bacame a prisoner in my own home. I just found out at the beginning of the week that my cousin with whom I use to do drugs with, and who I had completely cut out of my life, is now living about 3 houses up from me. So my husband is of course very worried, and I am scared to death that if she sees me outside she is gonna cause trouble between me and my husband. It is really hard to be a recovering addict, because even after 3 years of being clean and proving yourself, all it takes it to see one person and then all the trust you have really earned back gos out the window. Anyway im sorry to hear you are having such a hard time, and I really hope things start getting better for you.

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    1. Tim Taylor Post author

      Aww, I hate that you didn’t get your house, that sucks! Just do your best to avoid that person, I can certainly understand why you would feel like a prisoner in your own home. I got faith in ya though, you got this!!

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  5. April

    I love that you give us all sides of you! So definitely do not apologize for writing about your feelings. With three kids I often get frustrated and need a break! You are a caregiver so the same goes to you! I know it’s hard to find help, but even if for a couple of hours once a month, you need to find some you time! You are doing an awesome job with what you have going on and I admire you for taking care of your mom! Caring for a parent is quite difficult and most children don’t take the time to care for their Ill parents at home! Kudos to you for taking that challenge on, now find some time for just you, go to a movie, get drunk, write something doesn’t matter just find some you time! Even if it is easier to not to, just do it. And I say that with all the love in the world, you can’t take care of your mom if you are not taking care of yourself. Okay lecture over ๐Ÿ™‚

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    1. Tim Taylor Post author

      Thanks April! You’re right, takin’ care of mom is a full time job and not everybody around me understands that for some reason and I am doin’ my best to find some “me time” but it’s hard to do but I’ll keep tryin’ ๐Ÿ˜€

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  6. dragonflygypsyusa

    Thank you for your honesty. Sometimes a good rant can really help. I’m a firm believer in the occasional, all out temper tantrum. The feelings have got to go somewhere and a victimless temper tantrum always seems to help me.
    I hear your story in my soul. My path may be different than yours but the feelings at quite similar. You have friends, which means nothing when you’re in it. Hugs!

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    1. Tim Taylor Post author

      Thank you so much! It really helps to know that I have friends out there that are actually willin’ to listen/read my little temper tantrums ๐Ÿ˜€ I’ll try not to do it often though ๐Ÿ˜‰

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