Anger is the one emotion that I have the most difficulty containing. I don’t know why, other than I have been told that my dad was the same way. I didn’t really know him all that well, certainly not as a young’un growin’ up.
I have two basic forms of temper from which my anger comes forth. There is the kinda’ anger that everybody has to live with on a daily basis. And then there is the anger that arises when dealin’ with a 4 year old, come on, you know what I’m talkin’ about. No matter how sweet, precious and innocent the child is, you’re gonna get angry at them at some point over somethin’.
With both forms I am usually slow to anger, unless you know which buttons to push, and my 4 year old is startin’ to learn those buttons. He’s a smart little scutter and I swear I think he likes gettin’ fussed at. In fact, I asked him one day if he did and he actually said “Yeah daddy” .. from the mouths of babes ya’ll.
Now, you have to keep in mind my daily livin’ situation and especially every other week when I have my lil buddy with me. My mom has Vascular Dementia, it is progressin’ at an alarmin’ rate. Most of the time when Connor is here it’s like havin’ two 4 year olds’ in the house, constant fightin’ and bickerin’ from mornin’ till night over somethin’ that’s not worth fightin’ and bickerin’ over. I swear I think they do it just to see who can fuss the loudest or who will get the last word.
Somewhere around the 50th time I have told Connor to stop, and that would be whatever he’s doin’ that he ain’t supposed to be doin’ or fussin’ with his nana, I start to get angry. He sees it and hears it in my voice, which in his little mind is an indication that he’s on the right path. After a few yells and squalls the question from my mamma, that just sets everything off ….. “Why are you so angry?”
For the love of God in heaven, I’m sittin’ in the middle of World War 3, tryin’ to mind my own business, aside from the million or so “Daddy, daddy, daddyyy, dada’s …” on one side and “TIm, Tim, TIM!! … on the other, that I hear on a constant basis, and you ask me WHY I’m angry?
She can’t help it, just like Connor can’t help it, I know this, somewhere in my anger I find that answer and the anger subsides somewhat, it starts to crawl back in it’s deep dark hole and after a while I’m back to my normal sulky self .. until next time, which takes on average about 10 minutes.
Now don’t sit there readin’ this thinkin’ that I’m angry all the time, not at all. Just like every other family, we have our good days and our bad days, our ups and downs. I love my mamma and my son with all my heart and soul and would die for either one of ’em.
So there you have it dear readers, the one emotion that I can’t contain, no matter how hard I try.