The Big “What If”

I’ve always said “If” is the biggest two letter word in the English language. Add “What” to it and it’s a recipe for the dreaded panic attack.


What if this happens, what if that happens or happened. It’s a question that will haunt you and for some of us there is nothing we can do about it.


Why does this happen? Does it ever stop? What can we do about it? These are all questions I have asked myself as I’m sure others like me have as well. They seem to be questions without answer, or at least that’s how it feels.


When you’re curled up in a ball with thoughts running through your head uncontrolled it’s difficult to get a grasp on reality and the fact that everything is indeed OK. I know what it looks like from the outside, I have witnessed my mom go through them and I wonder if that’s what I look like.


For those of you that have never had a panic attack or have to deal with anxiety, it seems like a foreign subject, something that should be able to be controlled. You wonder about them and why we have them. They’re not something that can be understood unless you are cursed to have them and it’s not something I would wish on my worst enemy.


My biggest problem is when I’m driving. You know how you can get from one place to another and not really remember getting there? That’s one major trigger for my panic attacks. What if I hit someone, or caused someone to wreck. I have backtracked for miles before just to make sure I didn’t cause an accident.


There was one time, a long time ago, that my wife and I had been visiting my mom. There was a bump in the road that I didn’t think too much about at the time. It wasn’t until after we got home and was in the bed that I started thinking about it and I remembered there were young children playing in a yard just beside the road. My panic kicked in with “what if I hit one of those children, I remember the bump but I’m not sure it wasn’t a child”. I got out of bed at midnight, got back in the car and went back to Dante, to the spot that I thought I had hit the bump. That’s how What If does me.


So if you’re lucky enough to not have to deal with panic and anxiety, thank your lucky stars and try to understand those of us that do have to deal with it.


Thanks for readin’.



PUBLISHED: April 12, 2014

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